Discussing Racism With Kids: Being Brown Didn’t Help. Elmo Had To Step In.
“We are our children’s first role model, what they consider to be acceptable and unacceptable, and it has to show in our actions, as difficult and uncomfortable and out of the way it can be.”
My son is six. He doesn’t really watch Sesame Street anymore but would likely identify with being a fan of Elmo. Elmo has tickled his way into his heart even when he ran out of batteries and was the most uncomfortable stuffed robotic animal that my son insisted on sleeping with. But I should thank this bright red furry friend for helping me, a parent who is a person of color with a doctorate in social policy, who struggled to have a conversation about racism and social activism with my son without a Muppet’s assistance.
It began with my son walking in on me watching the news and asking “who is George Floyd?” I froze. I froze and then I was shocked that I froze. And then I thought, “holy hell you really have to say something now, he’s still staring at your face expecting an actual answer.” I stuttered a lot and eventually articulated something about skin color at first, something I had talked to him about before when he started school in our not-so-diverse town, and how people sometimes judge someone based on that color. We had talked about this previously because as an Indian-American I was familiar with what it was like to grow up in predominantly white communities and I was also familiar with the concept of colorism among the Indian community -- where it is common to hear about fair skin being preferable to darker skin. While these experiences and exposure helped me identify with people of color in one aspect and certainly instilled an innate sense of empathy for these types of prejudices, it was absolutely NOT adequate in helping me explain the very specific, systemic racism which exists towards African-Americans. This racism is deeply rooted in America’s history starting with slavery and further compounded by biased policies, programs, and even textbooks -- yes, textbooks, which have been found to characterize the African slave trade as an “immigration of workers.”
But Indians are not unfamiliar with deep-rooted historical prejudice influencing social identity, social norms, social policy, and societal behavior. In thinking about this, I immediately picture my grandfather who was a soldier in the Indian Army and fought under British rule during World War II. He wrote feverishly in his diaries to process the trauma of war and gave them to me to publish online years ago. In 1940, he wrote about his experiences on British ships sailing from Mumbai to Africa as a new recruit: “Each batch [of Indian soldiers] is put under a British Corporal and a Sergeant, who was a dreadful devil...The sergeant used to boot the boys for vomiting on the floor [from sea sickness] or for smoking during the black out...Everybody was very scared. I wondered if we had been treated like the slaves must have been. Black people imported from Africa to the US...no matter how bad it got, we were not allowed to talk or show our anguish.” He didn't know the extent of what American slavery was at the time he wrote this, so this was something he pondered based on his best understanding. Up until recently, when my son heard stories about his great-grandfather fighting in this war, he knew nothing of the conditions that surrounded Indian soldiers during this time. As a young child, his only takeaway was that he was a descendent of a man who fought “bad guys.”
Starting with the skin color topic, I eventually gave what was likely a reasonable response, but I still went to bed knowing I could have done a better job with my explanation. Thankfully I had been following several friends, colleagues, and organizations who are active on social media and sharing incredible resources on how to talk to your children about racism. Several posts had advertised an upcoming Sesame Street Town Hall on CNN. I immediately set my TV up to record it and made sure I found my son at his peak attention span hour (after eating) so that I could watch it with him and guide him through it.
As the town hall began, Elmo appeared to be having a video call with his father, another Muppet. At first, I was confused because I was under the impression that Elmo wasn’t supposed to age into adulthood so he could be relatable to children, and I questioned why he wasn’t living at home with his parents. But my mental digression was quickly shut down when Elmo asked his dad “what’s a protest?” and “what is racism?” This was not the Sesame Street I remembered, clearly it had evolved and adapted to the times over the last few decades. Curious, I called my colleague, Rebecca Fishman, MPS, an international development consultant who had been involved with introducing the world to one of the newer Muppets, Raya. Raya was tasked with teaching children about handwashing and hygiene in developing countries to help children survive and thrive. Ms. Fishman explained,“I helped work on the early partnerships to get her [Raya] in front of kids and caregivers in the developing world...Sesame [Workshop] has been on the forefront of this space for over 50 years. Today, they are the largest informal educator of children and caregivers around the world, reaching well over 150 million children in over 150 countries per month.”
The lesson I learned in the moment when my son looked at me and innocently asked who Mr. Floyd was, was that being a person of color can certainly enhance your ability to empathize when others are being treated unfairly based on the color of their skin or other characteristics. However, it is not enough to be a person of color and say “of course I’m not a fan of racism, because I’m not white.” Instead, we should use our perspective to elevate our understanding of what black children and families have to face in this country and to raise awareness among our own subpopulations. And to do this -- we may need a little help. So be it Instagram, e-books, newspapers, news coverage on TV, or a hand-operated furry sock donning hard plastic-coated googly eyes -- please start by seeking out external resources to help you explain racism and activism to your children. It is useful from any age and even if you think your kid doesn’t need to have this conversation, have it anyways. What’s the harm? As parents we have a huge responsibility to teach anti-racism explicitly and not rely on some implicit notion that our non-white skin is enough to know better. But let’s be clear: This is just a starting point. A long-time friend of Ethiopian descent reminded me, “All of this is really good, and helpful. But, this is not enough. How active are you in meeting black people in your neighborhood? Your ZIP code? Is there outreach to your local activism group? It won't be enough to tell or research, you have to SHOW it to your children. We are our children's first role model, what they consider to be acceptable and unacceptable, and it has to show in our actions, as difficult and uncomfortable and out of the way it can be.”
A couple of days after we watched Sesame Street’s town hall, we were surprised to find an incredible protest marching down our street around my son’s bedtime. Having seen this on television he was eager to get closer to it. Dressed in tight mismatched pajamas, he ran out to the edge of our driveway with me. At first he was fixated on the realization that he was missing shoes as he looked down at his socks. As the protestors approached us, his lamentation for shoes transitioned into questions of “is this a protest?” Eventually, we both started clapping for the protestors as they marched in front of us and I took a few breaks to hug him tight in between our applause -- I was so happy he could see this for himself at this age. This was actually his second protest in his few years of life - the first being the women’s march in Manhattan which I took him to when he was two years old, so he was unlikely to remember it. Tears filled my eyes as the protestors nodded and said thank you to us; I was mindful that we were likely the only non-white residents they had passed on their way down our long street. After they were a block away, my son was so eager to join them on his bike. He stomped off in tears because we told him he couldn’t participate given the hour. Inside the house, I explained to him that the protestors were all going to go home and get to bed, they looked tired, and needed their rest to fight against injustice again tomorrow...I knew full well that they were in fact going to keep marching that night.
Elmo wouldn’t have approved of my little fib, but he doesn’t have to face the wrath of an angry little brown boy who told me very sternly days earlier after formally learning about social injustice -- “when I grow up, mama, I’ll never treat anyone like that.” As a family, we have a lot to do in the months and years ahead. But I feel confident that this was a good place to start.
